wondering if noticing that two things can be true at the same time is an important part of healing...understanding ourselves + each other...

this situation can suck AND i can still experience beauty

i can feel totally beat up AND i can be gentle with myself

people are not always trustworthy AND i can accept love in this moment

there can be things that i really loved about that AND it isn't for me

my confusion + frustration often come from trying to figure out how to hold these two truths at the same time...feeling that one is winning + wanting to live more into the other

sometimes i think it's ok to FEEL the one...knowing i will move toward the other in time...being gentle with myself in the in between

and sometimes it is making the choice to live fully into the better side...even for a moment...or a sunny afternoon...like a tourist in my own hope

what two things are true in this moment?

love,
jane

Thought I'd follow up my style exploration with a little progress report. I've been thinking about how I want to show up at work...and in regards to clothing, that involves figuring out what clothing is most appropriate for the temperature + level of exertion required. I'd tried wearing sweaters to work + found that they were often too hot + too delicate. Sweatshirts seem like a good option, but I hadn't found any that I liked enough to embrace wearing on repeat. I'd like to look put together, while still being comfortable doing physical work + being on my feet all day.

I find that embracing a style helps me focus the pieces I own in a certain direction + allows me to have less in the end. Less is great for the planet, farmers, garment workers, upkeep + my wallet. So here's where my thinking went next:

• I already have a couple pairs of jeans + some thrifted olive pants. That gives me some direction style-wise + is enough too. 
• A pair of mary janes could elevate casual outfits a bit...as long as I could find some that are comfy enough to walk in all day.
• A couple of blouses would serve that dreamy, romantic style, are comfy to wear + the appropriate weight for warmth.

My choice additions include:

• Exactly the Auntie Oti shirt I wanted + found second hand. I can roll up the sleeves or not...tuck it in or not...and layer it under a sweater or sweatshirt or not. I've worn it three times already + I love it so much! 
• A Doen blouse on deep, Black Friday discount. I just received this yesterday + it made me smile so big when I tried it on. It's going to get worn a ton!
• A pair of mary janes that are made of natural materials + feel really comfy on. I knew these were going to need to get worn in, so I've endured one blister...but know I'm going to get so much wear out of these with jeans, pants + dresses.

This brings me a few steps closer to feeling like my work wardrobe is appropriate, comfortable + enough! Progress for sure!

Love,
Jane

I have to admit that hope has been harder + harder to find in myself during the past few years. Like many, I have had to come to terms with the recognition that things are not just getting better + better by themselves...that humanity is not on an inevitable, upward trajectory toward equity, love and "good". Climate change, racism, refugees, sexism, alternative facts, capitalistic greed, pandemics, identity discrimination, mass shootings and gun violence all point toward movement away from equity, love and "good". It all feels so extraordinarily heavy. Hope can just feel lost...trampled...decimated...in the weight of it all.

I was naive enough to be surprised by the "All Lives Matter" reaction to "Black Lives Matter". I believed that people would notice that racism is passé as they live further + further outside of it...that we will all come to recognize that love feels better than hate. Embarrassingly naive + privileged, I know.

When a local DJ made the comparison of BLM/ALM to when people say, "save the whales". He said that no one reacts by saying: but what about the sharks. Shark lives matter. I think this comparison breaks down quickly when we realize that sharks can't make signs. It is when people feel that they themselves will feel the effects of "acceptance" of the "other" or "progress"...that the call to love becomes colored by fear...and love becomes negotiable. Fear not only throws a wrench in the upward trajectory, but the weight of it throws the whole thing into reverse.

And yet, when I go searching with all my might for hope, I still believe it can be found in the realization that we are  not  naturally  moving toward better...that we cannot just depend on love always winning in the end...that our better angels won't just naturally prevail.

It is precisely because of this that we can recognize that individuals have to choose love...that they often do choose love...and that a sort of general consensus can follow. The civil rights movement did happen. An elected black man is now an elected party leader in the House of Representatives in this country built by enslaved people. 

And maybe this is an even greater hope. A hope that makes effort not only necessary, but fruitful. A hope that has the power to break the chains of fear + bring waves of freedom to love. 

Hope may be an inconstant companion...but a visitor worth the effort of inviting again + again.

Love,
Jane